The one thing most deadly to my own creative living, and one I've fought all my life, is, I think, a very female problem: making someone else's agenda more important than my own. I realize (and have known for some time) that I need to be constantly on guard against this. What I Want is part of what makes me Who I Am. To always give up my own agenda for someone else's comfort, pleasure, convenience, whatever, means losing a little bit of myself each time, and I've done that too often.
My current "drugs of choice" might seem inconsequential, but when they are consuming my time and keeping me from creating, they are as bad for me as any on Cameron's list. My peccadilloes: mindless reading, mindless TV, mindless computer games (Scrabble is my downfall!) and constantly, mindlessly checking my email. See a pattern here?! If I read, watch TV, play Scrabble (maybe with real people instead of a machine?), and check my email with intention instead of mindlessly, the whole dynamic changes. I want to be more intentional about the ways I spend my time...
The task I liked best this week was Self-Cherishing. Small victories? I updated my resume and sent several out, and I did some engaging research on early readers for my new writing project. Nurturing my artist? I went to the Leo Kottke concert and saw The Lorax. Comforting my artist? I've been very careful about my diet in the last six months and have lost twelve pounds; last week I let myself have high-fat comfort food several times without feeling guilty. So I gained a pound. I knew why I was eating--it was the anniversary week of my partner leaving. I not only lived through the week but had a good one, and now the comfort food kick is behind me. (Just had a lovely bunch of steamed asparagus along with my lean lunch sandwich...) Lovely things I did for myself? I shared meals both with my brother and my local TAWer, Nancy. And I got a massage! It was an important week for me to be good to myself and I'm so glad Cameron insisted I do so!
Lines that spoke to me, without further comment:
"Treating yourself like a precious object makes you strong."
"Try approving of yourself just as you are--and spoiling yourself rotten with small kid's pleasures."
"We must attend to what it is our inner guidance is nudging us toward. We cannot afford to worry about what is in or out. If it is too early or too late for a piece of work, its time will come again.... Let the critics spot trends. Let reviewers concern themselves with what is in and what is not. Let us concern ourselves first and foremost with what it is within us that is struggling to be born." (emphasis mine)
"All work is influenced by other work. All people are influenced by other people. No man is an island [but] each of us is our own country, an interesting place to visit. Originality is the process of remaining true to ourselves."
"We forget that not all babies are born beautiful, and so we abort the lives of awkward or unseemly projects that may be our finest work, our best creative ugly ducklings. Be willing to write or paint badly..."
What spoke to YOU this week?
Next week: Recovering a Sense of Autonomy
